Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again Script

Quotes

• Ron White : I Believe, that if life gives you lemons, y'all should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and accept a party.

• Ron White : I believe I'll have a scotch. Oh, wait, I've got one. Go ahead. Never mind.

• [at a family unit Thanksgiving dinner]

  Ron White : My mother turns to me and says "Well, Ron, is there annihilation new with your career?"

  [with a child-similar disobedience]

  Ron White : "Yes! I've got a new bit about sticking my neb in the toaster."

  [laughter]

• Larry The Cable Guy : [introducing "I Believe"] This is a song we writ.

  Bill Engvall : [interrupting] Woah, woah, woah.

  Jeff Foxworthy , Bill Engvall : "Writ"?

  Larry The Cablevision Guy : Writ.

  Ron White : I didn't "writ" whatsoever of it.

  Larry The Cable Guy : You writ 2-thirds of information technology. Or a quarter of it.

  Neb Engvall : Don't try to practise math.

  Jeff Foxworthy : If Larry is going to start doing fractions, you may want to get to the concession stand or the restroom.

  [Beak laughs]

• Ron White : I'one thousand probably not a typical Texan in that I don't hunt. I fish, but I don't chase. And information technology has zero to do with how I think it might somehow be more holy to eat meat that's been bludgeoned to death by someone else, that'due south not it. It's really early in the forenoon, it's actually cold outside, and... I don't wanna go.

• Ron White : I believe that ignorance of the law is no alibi, and I'one thousand quoting a New York Urban center gauge on this one.

• Ron White : My cousin Ray on the other hand thinks that killin' a deer with a deer rifle is like magic in the forest. And now, I would like to do for you now my impression of my cousin Ray after the big kill. "Hell, it was four in the mornin', 22 degrees outside. 'Grade, you weren't there. Pussy. I'm in a camouflaged deer bullheaded. I've got grease paint on my face and deer urine on my boots. I'grand not sure why." I made that part up. "I've got a 30-06 with a light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation scope. This baby volition fire a bullet 2200 feet per second. When that deer looked upwardly to lick the salt sucker I hunged from the danged ol' tree... caught him right above the eye." Yeah, well, I hit one with a *van* goin' *fifty-v* miles an hour with the headlights on and the horn blowin'!

• Ron White : My blood brother is a doctor and my sister is a lawyer, and I hate Thanksgiving.

• Ron White : [discussing his honeymoon] Man, the showtime time my wife and I made dear... yous ever heard of those screamers? Well, apparently she had never been with one before!

• Ron White : What I like to practise these days is talk about fireworks condom. See, it was the Fourth of July and my friend Timmy Smithers leaned dorsum too far with a lit punk and ignited the main fireworks brandish for the evening. And I wake upwards every dark knowing that I know I could've down more than to relieve him... only it was and then pretty. "Timmy, no - would you look at that! That'south the showtime of the Chinese infinite programme!"

• Ron White : Now I've seen people lose it over the death of a pet, but this dog lived for xv years. If you wanna beat that by very much, you gotta get a tortoise or a tree.

• Ron White : Then, her father dies, and I'm like, infant come on we're going to the nursing home. And she see's all these quondam men like selection me choice me. She wanted a blackness one, but I was like keep it uncomplicated, that's my motto.

• Jeff Foxworthy : [in cloy, upon opening the bathroom door of their tour motorbus after Neb has used it] Oh, expert granny!

  [Beak cracks up]

  Jeff Foxworthy : Good granny! What is wrong with y'all? You know the rules: stand in the bathroom, sit downwards at the truck stop and the hotel. It's not funny.

  Bill Engvall : [through fits of laughter] Hey, you ordered the Frito chili pie.

  [Ron enters and opens the bath door]

  Ron White : Oh, God!

  [Neb cracks upwards again]

• Ron White : I wasn't a bright child. I had a very weak vocabulary. In fact, if I'd known the difference between "antitoxin" and "anecdote", my friend Bobby Schneider would nonetheless be alive today.

  [laughter]

  Ron White : He got fleck by a copperhead, I'm reading him funny stories out of Reader'southward Digest.

  [laughter]

  Ron White : His head'due south starting to swell, and I like "It ain't working." He goes "read faster!"

  [laughter]

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0423871/characters/nm1247387

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